• TheMuther

I peed on the Promenade!

I have a very weak bladder and I'm a panic pisser. This means that I basically have to pee on leaving every location I'm at because, I just never know when the next loo opportunity will present itself. I found myself in a dilemma recently that I did not handle well and it's all down to me not being able to hold my own pee!

My son and I had decided we'd do the movies but first, a walk along the beach was needed. It was raining, completely tipping it down and it was cold. After all, we are in Scotland. Anyway, we were in the amusements after our walk, mainly to get out of the rain for 15 minutes and were winning lots of tickets on the 2p machines. All of a sudden, that feeling of I need to go and need to go now, hit me. Yep, I needed a pee (even though I had just been 15 min before) and this was urgent. I saw a huge queue at the only loo in the amusements and then heard an old man come out grumbling about how he'd just blocked it! Fucking great! Not good, not good at all. Not only did I have kids holding in their pee whilst grabbing their willies as competition for the loo, but I now had to find another loo and then there it was. The beautiful sign that had been printed out and plastered to the loo door reading "There are newly refurbished toilets on the Promenade, if this one is in use." BINGO! Negotiating with my son to leave the amusement was a testing mission and I could feel that seal about to burst as he threw his head back and let out a loud "NOT AGAIN MUMMY! YOU'VE JUST BEEN!" whilst stomping his feet in protest. Thanks son, anyway, we made it out on to the Promenade, battled the monsoon that was whirling away on the beach and arrived at the newly refurbished public toilets..... that were fucking shut! Why, oh why, oh why, oh why? This was terrible news. I did what any woman on the edge about to pee herself would have done. I ran round the back, on to the grass and told my 6 yo to stand look out. However, he was still pissed off at me for dragging him out of the amusements, and just as I squatted on the grass (don'd judge - it will happen to you one day) with my leggings round me knees, he decided to announce that he would not be partaking in this "shielding and protection" of me. So that first tiny drop of pee that was bursting to leap out in order to open the flood gates, had to be sucked back in, whilst I pulled up my leggings and begged my 6 year old to do as I'd asked. Then I realised, I had the power to withdraw the return to the amusements, the visit to the movies and dinner at Wagamamas if he didn't shield me with his jacket whilst I answered the call of nature. The sweat was running down my head and the holding in of wee was starting to make me feel sick! Thankfully, an agreement was made between us and I resumed the squatting position. What an almighty relief, it couldn't not have waited a second longer, not for all the face cream and lip gloss in the world! I thought mid flow I'd remind my son to tell me if anyone appeared. "Yes Mummy" he answered. "There is man standing just there staring at us!" Oh for fuck sake, how long had he been there? What had he seen? And was he about to hurl abuse at me, since I was actually doing something illegal? The leggings were pulled up in quick time, I grabbed my sons hand and off we ran down on to the Promenade. Quite possibly the worst thing about this story is that all the ticket's we'd won in the amusements, were now absolutely soaked form the rain and I was not in the good books.

I think I need to invest in a sheewee!

The things you have to do when you're a Muther, with a weak bladder!



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